Boundaries recently came up as a challenge for several writers in my Get Your Writing Done program earlier this summer. Coincidentally, this was the same day I sent out an email about Maya Stokely’s interview with Victoria Priya about her new book, Boundaries for Dummies! More on that below!

Boundaries are one of the most challenging areas for most writers. If you put other people’s work first, telling yourself some version of, “I have to be a supportive friend/team member/family member/etc,” saying yes to every request, will your book ever get written and published? Will it be as powerful as you envision?

Another aspect of boundaries is when sharing your writing feels risky, maybe even unsafe. In today’s crazy online environment, where people can say anything, it’s essential to weigh consequences and decide what level of risk you are comfortable with.

Ways for Writers to Set Boundaries with Their Time

Here are some things to say when you feel tempted to say “yes” to something that will take you away from your writing and impact on an already packed schedule:

• 

  “Thank you for asking, but I cannot do that.”

• “Thank you for asking. I have limited time while I write my book. I know I’ve done that for you as a favor in the past, but I’ll need to charge you for my time, as the limited time I am not working on my book needs to cover my expenses/bring in income.”
• “Thank you for asking. I’d love to help you, but this doesn’t give me enough time, as I already have other commitments. In the future, if you give me more notice, I can consider such requests.”
• “Thank you for asking. I am working on my book right now and have little time for other projects. I’ve promised myself (and/or my book coach – whatever feels comfortable!) to give myself time to think about any request before saying yes to it. I can get back to you (in an hour/ by tomorrow/etc.) “
• “Thank you for asking.   I am working on my book right now, and have had to turn down anything that might take away from that. I can help another time.
• “Thank you for asking, but I cannot do that. I can do x instead (some more modest version – only if you really, really, feel compelled).
• “Thank you for asking. I would love to support you in that. Right now, I am working on my book, so it’s a big commitment for me to take time off to help you with this. If I do that, perhaps you can help me with my book afterwards? Here’s what I would need from you.”

One participant in Get Your Writing Done brought up the issue that when it’s a family member asking for your time (often at the last minute), it can be even harder to say no.

Tips for setting boundaries with family members:

Of course, there are times it’s important to be there for your loved ones. At the same time, endlessly saying “yes” is not fair to yourself, to them (trust in their resourcefulness when applicable), or to your potential future readers!

• Don’t make their problem your problem. Ask yourself, “How will saying ‘Yes’ to this impact my book, vision and goals?” See if you still want to say yes!
• Is the person guilt-tripping you? Don’t let yourself be manipulated – consider journaling about the issue. You can even play with making up a written dialogue in your journal between you and the person.
• Write a letter to the person you don’t even have to send it, but use it to explore what’s going on for you when this person asks for something and you feel compelled to say ‘yes,’ even when it interferes with your goals or mission.
• You may want to ask yourself, “Why do I feel so compelled to do what they are asking?  Would they do the same for me? Do I feel like I’m being manipulated or used or does it feel completely right to say, ‘Yes’?”
• Refer to the previous list as well.

“Your Energy is Sacred.”

One of our co-faciliators, Laurie, shared a quote from FemCity founder Violette de Ayala:

Start Saying “No” (Even When It’s Hard)

“Your energy is sacred. Protect it. Every ‘no’ to what drains you is a ‘yes’ to what sustains you. Boundaries are not walls — they are bridges to your wellbeing.”

–   Violette de Ayala

Someone in our writing session mentioned the timely interview with Victoria Priya about her book Personal Boundaries for Dummies. You can read more here, including her advice on boundaries for writers. Feel free to check out our interview for Victoria’s tips and information about her book!

Evaluating Risks and Setting Boundaries: Trolls, Threats and Censorship

In that same session, one participant refereed to a conversation from the previous week about weighing what’s safe to share on a blog post, in an article, in your book, etc. and how to weigh what risks you are willing to take, given the current environment of internet trolls, threats and censorship  Canada had issued a travel advisory for Canadians who travel to the US, particularly academics or anyone who is writing–they could be detained for having an unpopular view on some issue and having published that or made it public.

This, too, is a question of boundaries. You may want to journal about any challenges in this arena. What risks are you taking with your writing that are possible consequences of sharing, not sharing, or putting some limitations on what you write? One of our participants is a lifelong environmental activist who has received threats from hunters.

Another possible risk is that your writing may hurt others or even violate their privacy, and yet, if you are writing a memoir, for example, how do you navigate writing your truth and respecting others’ needs? These may not be simple answers, and you may want to journal or speak with a book coach about these challenges.

Journaling about Risks and Boundaries

Some journaling questions to ask yourself:

• What are the risks of sharing your writing  To you, to others mentioned in the writing, to your cause?)
• If any aspects feel unsafe or threatening, explore your feelings of discomfort.
• What are the risks of not sharing?
• Is there some middle ground between what to share and what not to share?
• What feels in alignment with your work, calling and vision?

What challenges are coming up for you regarding boundaries and writing? What boundaries have you drawn? What questions do you have about boundaries in relation to your creativity and writing projects? Share in the comments below.